INNOCENSE

I cry for innocence lost
The shy child I was

I smile in that memory
With knees that were skinned

I think of girls I liked
Not brave to say hello

Think of brother dear
Whose fights we did engage

I think of parents loved
Towered now grown old

My oaths of future bright
For one was too bold

I see the children small
Who’ll grow in their own right

Who seek to make their mark
Spread wings and take flight


I think of injuries
Mostly that ive done

And seek better good days
When the battles won

Prayer of the meek

My God how can I ponder you
In stillness of the night
Only you who sees my heart
My soul so fraught with fright

In silence of the night I sit
With none to share my thoughts
Ponder on this life of mine
Disasters I have wrought

Your glory and your wonder
Will never comprehend
How dare I even mention it
Your glory never ends

My dearest lord my god glory
Complain I oh so weak
Before your wondrous majesty
I only see I’m meek

I pray to you to send to me
Of wisdom smallest trace
And lift me from these chains that bound
And guard me from disgrace

I pray to you open my heart
To that which is best
Deprive me not you pleasure
And grant me of the blessed

Inspiration

I see those ones before
Who climbed to heights unknown
Who did not know give up
Who soared above on thrones

The cancer stopped them not
In hunger they did search
To tire ailed them not
Betrayed the bounds of earth

The words to die give up
These words they did not hear
Unknown to their spirit
Surmounting every tear

How many times we failed
Brought down by these life woes
That depressed and destroyed
That constant ailing no

Those are ones who climbed
Beyond these life trials
Who never stopped for rest
Undaunted by the miles

The ones who are,who stood
Upon the shoulders great
Of heroes before them
What a wondrous fate

Oh to be like them
Follow example dear
To beat all odds to naught
And live with no more fear

No fear MRI

Conquering terrors of the MRI

Let me start on a positive note. A little positivity is much needed in life, especially at the times that one needs that test. I actually had a pleasant experience with it. I’m not crazy, nor did I lose my mind, nor was I unconscious.

I’ve always had a problem with my balance. Sometimes, I trip for no reason, while standing firmly on two feet. Having recently returned to Canada, I had to wait for my health benefits to be restored. Three months later , I received notice that I was clear. My doctor informed me that he would schedule a MRI exam. I dreaded that, with every ounce of my existence. Amazingly, it wasn’t bad at all.

I’ve had it done twice before. The first time was 1985, when I was in University. I was 21 at the time, and my eyes were behaving strangely. I didn’t know what to expect. They undressed me for the test, and slid me into the middle of this long tube. I immediately screamed to be released. I was only willing too undergo the test after a kind and attractive nurse promised to be by my side and talk me through the whole experience. I felt silly after a while, but at least I wasn’t alone.

I have always been rather claustrophobic. I don’t even like elevators much. This long tube envelops the entire body. Its my big head which is examined, which means I have to be put in the whole way. Nothing to be seen but metal. Nothing to be heard but loud thumps. Ironically, the first time I was so terrified of the whole experience that I don’t even remember the thumps, just the terror of being closed in.

The second time I had the pleasure of the test, I was in Malaysia. I used to have terrible migraines. I conquered them eventually by learning relaxation and deep breathing techniques, but that’s a different story. The memory of the first test was still fresh in my mind. High emotions are memories not easily forgotten. Perhaps that’s a good memory technique. This year was 1999. I knew what to expect. That made the anxiety increase. I knew what I was in for. Twenty minutes of terror.

Since 1985, Ive learned some scriptures by heart. I proceeded to read the 5 pages of sura ya sin by heart throughout the test. It takes me about 5 minutes so I read it 4 times , while fighting the fear, and on my 5TH round I was released from my “prison.” The fear was there but the verses calmed my heart. No doubt the nurses were perplexed that I was speaking to myself for 20 minutes, but I didn’t care. It was my way of coping. After it was over, I still remembered it, and it would still bother me and make me feel short of breath. Terror is truly a strong emotion.

Now to 2011.
Well, I never expected the hospital to call so quickly, but they did. Two days after I saw the doctor, they called to tell me that there had been a last minute cancellation, and they wanted me to report to the hospital immediately. This time, many things were different.

I’ve learned relaxation techniques like deep breathing. I find that if I hyperventilate, like I used to do, panic gets control of me. This time I breathed deeply. Ten seconds I inhaled, and exhaled for the same. I was still reading scriptures, but there was less terror.

I also learned visualization techniques. Basically, this means that if you don’t like the situation that you’re in, you can picture in your mind that you’re in a pleasant situation. I learned this when I attended a course on NLP or neurolinguistic programming.

I joked with the nurse that she was going to bury me alive again, and she sympathetically told me that it was not so. I was truly joking and planning my strategy all the while . I thought If I pictured a lovely ice cream sundae , since I’m very fond of those, I might feel better. I did for a short while. Some fear disappeared.

Then came the miracle. I imagined myself in two situations that I love and adore. The first was holding night prayers during the fasting month of Ramadhan. The leader or Imam always recited melodiously and his voice would touch my heart. I could hear him inside the machine. I could see myself standing in prayer. The sights and sounds were as real as if I were truly there. The MRI experience became pleasurable. I didn’t want it to end. What a miraculous transformation for me.

The second experience I recalled when I was in the machine was of my running days. I used to be a long distance runner , and 20 km was considered a pleasant jog for me. Two hours running was even manageable. Sadly gone are those days, but the memory was not. I pictured myself running through the beautiful farms of Canada. My heart was beating steadily and strongly, my breathing even, and my legs were flying across the pavement and fields. I pictured this in that machine. I felt it and missed it so much. I was there. The machine disappeared and the running became my reality. Once the test was over, I felt regretful that the two experiences, prayers and running were over.

I know many others have had or will have this test done. Perhaps, I pray , my short story will be a source of solace for them. Fear can be overcome.

nights closing

The night it closed again
So common yet so blessed
With day that passed forever
What chance to clear a mess

Perhaps the chance to rise
But nature permits falls
Hard lessons with their knocks
But I’ll still stand tall

The silence of the night
Dark bitter and cold
Left alone with thoughts
Perhaps like man so old

My thoughts they comfort me
Many times rebuke
A coward to my self
But blessings can’t count few

Truly nights a gift
With ponderings grow wise
With no critique to fear
And no more need for lies

Prayer for new year

The night closes on year
The memories things of past
Some are dears to cherish
Others memories last

In truth this year it passed
With its share of pain
Some are things fast gone
And others still remain

The children’s face is etched
Forever in my mind
In dreams I see them still
Forever heart of mine

I look to year that’s new
With hope that better comes
With prayers blessings all
With days of warmth and sun

The new year it comes soon
With blessings and with tears
Forever a changed man
Who lived through cleansing fears

My prayer it comes soon
With blessings for all man
My prayer most sincere
Searching for Gods plan

The future comes so fast
Time waits for no one
With some fears and with hope
This multitude of man

I look to days of hope
And search for amends
Eternal optimist
Disasters meant to rend

The future holds no fear
Forever follow his plan
Again prayers dear
For brotherhood and for man